I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
