All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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