I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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