well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Randomize
