if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
