he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
