Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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