if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
