she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
