And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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