just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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