i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
