the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
