I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
