i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize