dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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