Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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