I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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