I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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