Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
