Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
