I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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