Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
