not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
