o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
