You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
