If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
