We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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