My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
