Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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