my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just want nice things and good sex
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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