I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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