Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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