happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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