Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
