this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
