Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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