I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
