I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
