my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
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