dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
