he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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