I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
