you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
