weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
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