college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
