He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
