i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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