One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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