I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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