I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
