I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
