I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
