My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
