I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
