Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
