Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
