glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Randomize