I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
